One Liners
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination.
There's no future in time travel.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Death is hereditary.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. - Al Capone
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, you had best do what you're told.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. - Dwight Eisenhower
If you get to it and you can't do it... well there you jolly well are, aren't you. - Lord Buckley
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Why isn't the word "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?